i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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