I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
