His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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