So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
