u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I supernannyed him into submission
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize