my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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