I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
