PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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