I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
