Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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