that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
