You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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