There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize