could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
