i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
