Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
