so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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