I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
