I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
