if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
