when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
