Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
