I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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