Nicole vs. Life
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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