wrigley field is MILF paradise
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
