I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just had sex on a roof
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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