We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
