I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
