is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
