Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
