how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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