I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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