woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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