Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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