i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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