The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
