dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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