I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
