I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
