I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
