That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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