Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i barfeds in our rink
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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