My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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