My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
