I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
