Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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