My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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