i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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