So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
