i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
