I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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