If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
