If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
