I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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