I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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