the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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